My year...

Well, Christmas (and my 31st birthday) has come and gone...can you believe it? I can't either!! It's AMAZING how fast time goes by, I know everyone says that but it's true! It's also crazy how life can change is such a short time. Lately I've seen how everyone has been posting on Facebook or in Christmas cards all the things that have happened in a years time and it blows my mind how much can actually happen in 365 days. So instead of posting on Facebook I thought I would share my year here :) In one year, I started 2 new jobs so I had 2 first days (CRAZY I know), found out I have asthma and GERD (weird), went to The Masters which was a once in a lifetime experience, visited Charleston, SC and Chicago, was supposed to go to Jamaica but didn't quite make it but that's ok, found out I had stage 2 breast cancer, had 2 surgeries, had one cycle of chemo, dyed my hair purple and shaved my head!! I know that doesn't sound like a great year but to me, no matter what has happened in my year I feel incredibly blessed to have made it through another year with my family, great friends and my best friend with me every step of the way!

Beginning with the 2 new jobs...
As most everyone knows I have a bachelors degree in Psychology. The reason for getting that degree is I have always wanted to make a difference in children's lives (not as a teacher). I had this great plan of returning for my Masters when I finished my undergrad, but that didn't happen because once I was done with college I was not ready for more. So anyway, with a degree in Psychology I had a difficult time trying to find a job in my field so I decided that maybe I should go into a field that was more stable, something I knew I would be able to get a job in. My freshman year of college they tried to push my towards Nursing and I immediately nixed that because I didn't like hospitals and I didn't really care for blood. Six years later, there I was working at a hospital and completing prerequisites for Nursing school, then life happened. I decided it was time to do what I always wanted to do which is work with autistic children so I did just that and became a Behavioral Therapist. Even though I loved my job I still had that nagging pull from healthcare so I left my kiddos that I loved and still love so much and took a job screening organ donors and approaching families regarding organ donation on June 3, 2013. I know it doesn't sound glamorous but organ donation is extremely important and to hear the stories families tell of how their loved one lives on in another human being is awesome! Not to mention, donor skin is used during reconstructive surger, therefore someone has donated to me. However, when I received the breast cancer diagnosis, the job hit too close to home for me and I had to leave. So, I returned to what I knew best, loved and missed which was working with children with autism as a Behavioral Therapist. I began on October 14, 2013 with a different company than before and on my first day I knew I had made the right decision and had chosen the best company to continue my career with. I think that maybe I just had to leave for a short time to realize what I wanted to do. I was there 3 weeks then was told by my breast surgeon and plastic surgeon that there had been a cancellation and I would be having surgery on Nov. 4, 2013. Since that day, I cannot ask for a better employer or better coworkers as they have been 100% supportive and most of them had only known me for that short 3 weeks I was there!! I am truly blessed and I look forward to returning whenever I may be released by my Oncologist!

Fast forwarding to chemo...
In my last post I mentioned the side effects I was having. By Dec. 18 most of those side effects had begun to subside. Then Dec 20 was  the worst day. That day is the day my blood count was the lowest and I could tell. I was very tired and just felt yucky. By the afternoon I began to feel pretty nauseous pretty quick but I took my Zofran and within about 30-45 min I began to feel fairly normal. By Dec 21 we were headed out of town for Christmas! However, a few new side effects began. My fingernails were sensitive, almost like I had smashed my fingers, my gums were sensitive like I had just had a bunch of dental work and I was having nosebleeds daily for about 4 days and they weren't just little nosebleeds, they were 10 min gushers. After those 4 days though things began to go back to normal. Then, beginning yesterday, what little bit of hair I have began to fall out. Not a lot at one time, I mean, you can't even really tell because there are no bald spots but my hair has begun to thin. I will say though, if the side effect I have experienced are the only side effects I experience each time, I am very lucky and I will take it because there is nothing worse than being nauseous and throwing up!

Christmas...
Ryan and I had a FABULOUS Christmas and I had a great 31st birthday!! I am so glad we were able to travel and see our families!! The only thing was, we didn't take our dogs with us and poor Rocky was injured. He was limping slightly when we left but was really struggling while we were gone so we came home a day early and took him to the vet on Saturday. Turns out he has a partially torn ACL and we have to keep him calm (yeah right) for 3 weeks. We will do whatever we have to so that he doesn't have to have surgery on this one because he had ACL surgery on his other leg about 5 years ago and he was just pitiful!

Friday, Jan 3 2014...
WOW, 2014!! That is so weird to type that!! Anyway, Friday I go in at 7 am to get my port placed. Thank goodness because I don't think I could stand to be stuck one more time! My arms have taken a beating and it will be nice that each time I don't have to be stuck multiple times, only once :) Then at 1:00 I will have my 2nd cycle of chemo pending my blood work is ok which I think it will be. So then it will be 2 down 4 to go then wait to begin radiation.

Now, on with the fight and looking forward to another blessed year!!

Ryan and I at lunch with his Aunt LuAnn in WV 12.24.2013

My dad and me on Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve with my papaw

Christmas Day and my 31st birthday!!

Lunch with my FABULOUS BFFs at Saul Good in Lexington, KY 12.28.2013

Laura, Alicia, Megan and myself 12.28.2013

Just wanted to share some of my holiday photos :)

 

Side effects and options...

So, it's been 6 days since my 1st chemo treatment. I can't believe it has begun! I feel like even though everything has happened fairly quickly it has still been a long road to this point and there is still a long road ahead. As I had mentioned before everything went well, except for the fact I had to be stuck 3 times just to get an IV started. Since, then though, I have definitely begun to feel the side effects. Of course when they give you your cancer binder, yep, that is what I said, cancer binder, there is a lot, I mean A LOT of information in there regarding the chemo as well as side effects. I must say too that the side effects list is not short. However, the side effects I began feeling around Tuesday included skin sensitivity especially on the scalp which made it difficult to brush my hair, joint pain and muscle aches, mouth pain especially my tongue, slight taste change and the bottom of my feet feel like I have been walking on gravel barefoot. I will say though that if the side effects do not get any worse than this, I can tolerate it and will be just fine :)

 I just want to backtrack a little though because I had mentioned before that I was going to see Dr. Stalnecker my Plastic Surgeon on Monday to talk to him about options regarding my reconstruction since I had that unfortunate infection. You know, it has been kind of weird not going to his office weekly as I had been since my first surgery Nov 4. It is almost as if I'm forgetting to do something each week. Anyway, Ryan and I arrived at the 8040 Building next to the hospital that we have come to know so well and went to the 2nd floor to Dr. Stalnecker's office. When we opened the door we immediately saw the smiling faces behind the desk and they of course they greeted me by name which is so nice because normally when you go to a drs office they don't have a clue who you are. I was a little nervous for this visit only because I have been worried about what Dr. Stalnecker was going to say because I have read so many different things about reconstruction after radiation when you don't have an expander and they haven't been that great. I guess that is why you shouldn't read those types of things online. I guess I should take my own advice because I always tell everyone not to look up your symptoms online and diagnose yourself because it never turns out well. After a few minutes I was called back and I put on that fabulous gown that opens in the front of course. Man I've missed that...haha, not really!! After we talked about what had gone on since the infection I asked, "so now what? I have to have radiation now so what are my reconstruction options?" He said that there are a few options however, they are not going to be as easy and cosmetically won't be what we originally planned. Oh well, as long as there are options and they look good on the outside who cares?! There are multiple options but the 2 he recommended for me was I could take fat from my stomach however, to my delight he told me I didn't have enough fat to use! Not to mention he said that this surgery is longer and the recovery is more difficult. The second option which he stated would be my best option is the latissimus dorsi flap procedure. This procedure takes tissue including skin, fat and muscle from the upper back. It is tunneled under the skin to the chest to make a pocket which is used as the expander for an implant. Sounds painful but he says it works and he has done this for many women in my situation. He said that I will need physical therapy after this procedure to strengthen my back. My next question was recovery time. He told us that this surgery requires at least 6 weeks recovery time and I will have another lovely 2 drains but it is my option, the option I will take. Now the kicker...I asked how long do I have to wait after radiation before surgery can take place? "Well" he said, "you aren't going to like my answer." My face fell and I immediately started thinking to myself "oh no, how long am I going to have to wear this prosthesis?" He asked me when will all of my treatment be complete and I explained to him that if all goes well and all of my chemo treatments occur on time they should end around the end of March. Then, 4-5 weeks after chemo ends, radiation will begin and will be 5 days a week for six weeks which would put treatment ending sometime around May which would make treatment end sometime in June but this is all only if all goes as planned. He then said that we have to wait at least 6 months after treatment is completed before we can do surgery again. He said that I can come see him at 4 months and we can begin to plan but then we have to wait. After the 1st surgery, I'll have the 6 week recovery time then another 3-6 months after that to fill my expanders then I can have the final surgery for the implants. So looking at that timeline I have 2 more surgeries and about a year and a half to go. I know it seems like a long time but it is only a year and a half compared to the rest of my LONG life so I will do whatever I have to do.

Now, fast forwarding back to Tuesday, as everyone knows, another side effect of chemo is hair loss. Since my first treatment was 6 days ago they say that at about day 10 you begin to lose your hair and it is all gone in about a week. Well, this wasn't going to happen to me. I mean, it was going to happen but I was going to control when the hair came out. So Tuesday Ryan picked me up at 5:00 and we headed to my stylist's house to shave my head. My stylist Michele has been doing my hair since I moved to Indiana 8 years ago. I didn't want to go to the salon to do it because I wasn't sure how overwhelmed I would be so she invited me to her house to do it there. Ryan also needed a haircut and had to cancel his last appointment so his hair was getting pretty long but instead of him going into the salon she said she would just cut his hair the same night. On our way there I was nervous. What girl wouldn't be? Girls aren't supposed to be bald, at least not by choice. Well, there are some I guess that do it by choice but not this girl. Ryan held my hand all the way there and said that he would go first. We arrived and after some talking we got down to business. Ryan sat in the chair first and Michele got the clippers out and began trimming up the back then all of a sudden she went across the top of his head. It took a minute to register what was going on. I was thinking to myself "oh no, what just happened? Did she forget that it's my head that is getting shaved?" I blurted out, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Ryan said, "You aren't the only one getting your head shaved tonight. I couldn't let you do it by yourself." I didn't know what to say. I know it's only hair but it was so sweet of him to shave his head with me so I wasn't alone. We've been together 11 years and I've NEVER seen his head shaved so it made shaving mine that much easier. Once his was done it was my turn. I sat in the chair took a deep breath and said, "LET'S DO IT!" She turned my chair around so I didn't have to watch it all come off in the mirror then she began cutting it with short with scissors. Once it was short enough, out came the clippers. Before I knew it, all of my hair was laying on the floor beneath me. You know, it wasn't as traumatic as I expected it to be. Maybe it is because I had been talking about it and had been building myself up for it or maybe it was because Ryan did it too but I will say that Ryan and Michele made it much easier. Once it was done Michele washed my head and I looked in the mirror. It didn't look as bad as I expected. I mean, I wouldn't have done it just to do it but since I had to do it I really didn't mind it but my head was FREEZING!! Since Tuesday, getting ready for anything has been much faster :) I still need to get some scarves because I don't plan on wearing my wig everyday but overall it wasn't a bad experience and it will be fun having many different hairstyles when it begins to grow back. 

Ryan with a half mohawk ;)

Ryan all shaved

Beginning of the cut

Looking a little rough

Glad we didn't stop here!! Scary!!

The Shave

Ryan and I shaved!! Man my head was cold :)

My new do

Not sure what the deal was with the lighting in some of those pics but you get the gist of it ;)

Second step toward the cure...

Friday I woke up at 4:35 am! Not on purpose of course because who in their right mind actually wakes up because they want to at 4:35 am? Thursday I began taking my steroids to prepare for my 1st chemo treatment and one of the side effects is trouble sleeping. Well, I definitely experienced that side effect, lucky me :) However, I did not get out of bed, I just laid there and I think I looked at every app and played every game on my phone until Ryan's alarm went off at 7:30. I got up and began getting ready and packing my bag that I was going to take to the Cancer Center with me. I of course included my UK blanket because I have heard that you can get pretty cold during treatment as well as my tablet, a book and some magazines and of course some headphones because Ryan and I were going to finish up watching Breaking Bad. Yes, we are still trying to finish it! Finally on Season 5 so not much left to go. Anyway, after running to my grandmother's house to pick up some beautiful Christmas bows she made me for my lamp post outside and my Christmas tree, I headed to the hospital. First stop was to get fitted for my prosthesis. I was really excited about this because I would then look "normal"! We were able to get me fitted on the 1st try and yes, I now look normal! After trying on a few head scarves because I will be shaving my head this Tuesday since it is inevitable that ALL of my hair will fall out, it was time to meet Ryan so that we could head on over to the Cancer Center for chemo #1. After a quick lunch which we ate at the surgery center since we only had 15 minutes (classy) we headed over. When we walked in, even though I had been to the Cancer Center many times before, this time was different and I was once again nervous. When I signed in I had to fill in my reason for being there and when I wrote "chemo" it just didn't seem real. I mean, I accepted the fact a long time ago that I would be taking chemo to fight this and I also welcome it to eradicate any cancer cells that may be left and I am grateful that chemo is available and I have the opportunity to use it to help fight my battle. I know that sounds weird when I say grateful but really, if there was no chemo this battle would be much harder to fight. However, as I mentioned before, I never planned on having an Oncologist and having to go to appointments in the Cancer Center and I definitely never planned on writing that the reason I am there is for chemo treatment but then again, who does? My appointment was supposed to be at 12:30 however, 1:00 rolled around and I was still waiting. One of the nurses came out and let me know that they were getting my room ready and asked how I felt. I told her that I was just as nervous as I was before surgery because no matter how much they try and prepare you, there is no way to know exactly what to expect but I told her to BRING.IT.ON, it was time to take this next step! Within minutes my name was called. It was time. We headed on back to my room and my nurses came in to talk to me and explain what they were going to do and of course asked me questions about my overall health. My nurse had already explained to the nurse that was going to be taking care of me about what had been going on as far as my infection and that there had been difficulty when attempting to start an IV and when drawing blood. Of course, they start multiple IVs a day so it shouldn't be too difficult, right?! The nurse told me that before we could begin treatment she needed to draw some blood and of course they had to use the 3 largest tubes there are and they had to be full. She stuck me the 1st time and NOTHING!! Great, I saw where this was going. She then stuck me a 2nd time and this time was able to get the blood, slowly but surely. However, after getting the blood, the IV was no longer good, the vein had blown. UGH! She called in another nurse and on the 3rd try, we got an IV in! The first meds I was to receive were anti-nausea and a steroid. After these were complete we would start with the 1st chemo medication which was the Cytoxan. Cytoxan is the drug that keeps the cancer cells from dividing and kills them and this is also the drug that will make me lose my hair. Once it was complete, I had to wait 30 minutes before the next chemo drug Taxotere could begin. Taxotere also prevents any cancer cells from dividing and reproducing. The treatment lasts 5 hours. In that 5 hours though, I got quite a bit accomplished. I got online and paid some bills, ordered multiple Christmas gifts and ordered Christmas cards. I know, a little late to order the Christmas cards but it's better late than never even if everyone receives them after Christmas. Who knew it took chemo to get me motivated to get it done haha! During treatment, Sharlee (my nurse navigator) came in and told me that I would be getting my port the morning of my next chemo treatment which is set for January 3rd. I go into the Surgery Center (also another place I know all too well) at 7:00 am to get my port placed then I will have chemo at 1:00 pm. Having the port will be so much nicer, that way I don't have to be stuck anymore, they can just access my port for my treatment because my arm is black and purple from being stuck 3 times on Friday. Since my 1st treatment, I haven't felt too bad yet. I've been tired and experienced a little nausea but nothing that I can't tolerate. They told me that my worst days would probably be between days 4 through 10 because that is when my blood counts will be the lowest and I will be the most susceptible to sickness and infection. They have however given me some good anti-nausea meds to counter the nausea because I hate nothing more than being nauseous! Tomorrow, I go see Dr. Stalnecker to talk to him about my options as far as reconstruction since I have to have radiation now. I am crossing my fingers he gives me some good options!! Then Tuesday I shave my head because I don't want to wait for all of my hair to just fall out. I know it is going to and I would like to be able to control when it happens. At least I'll be able to get ready quicker lol!! Ryan won't be pacing the floor anymore when he is ready to leave and I am still straightening my hair :) Oh and for someone that is somewhat superstitious, I had chemo on the 13th and when I signed in I was the 13th patient. Ryan, then went to the Colts game today and sat in seat 13. Weird right?! Maybe 13 is my lucky number, who knows!

Chemo #1...check!

Today is the day...

Well, today is the day...CHEMO DAY #1. I'd be lying if I said I am not nervous. I mean, I went through the chemo teach where they tell me what is going to happen and what I can expect but of course I don't know what to fully expect until I am there and it is happening. I know everything will be fine. I have been drinking water like it is my job to stay hydrated and I HATE WATER but I really want my veins to cooperate since I don't have my port yet. Luckily I have already had my blood drawn so I should be there about 5 hours so it will be a long day. Ready for this next step to kick this cancer!!

It's a go...

As I have mentioned before, chemo was originally scheduled for Dec 6 however, due to my recent infection it was moved tentatively to Dec 13 and it's not just the 13th, it's Friday the 13th! Luckily there is no full moon that day as well because chemo is a GO for Friday (the 13th). So, Monday was the first day I was released to drive since my first surgery that took place on Nov 4. I will say that it was not as easy as I thought it was going to be. Not that I couldn't drive but driving just wasn't easy and I was really sore afterwards. Of course the soreness did not stop me from making a stop at Target BY MYSELF after my blood work shenanigans to determine whether I would be having chemo. Shenanigans meaning that I didn't just go for blood work once, I had to return a second time. I was not planning on going to the Cancer Center twice in one day. Ryan has gone to EVERY appointment with me but I did not feel the need for him to take off work just for me to go have some blood drawn especially since I was now able to drive myself. Plus, I knew I wanted to stop at Target on my way home and he is never excited about this since I absolutely cannot get in and out in a timely manner. Anyway, not only was I to get my blood drawn but I had to meet with the NP (Nurse Practitioner) so that she could check the site where my infection was to make sure it was reddened or swollen before I had chemo because if it was the blood work didn't matter because I wouldn't be having chemo. My blood work appointment was at 1:45 then I was to see the NP afterwards. So, I arrived at 1:40 and signed in and waited, and waited, and waited. Of course while I waited I looked at Facebook, Pinterest, ESPN, Facebook again, Fox News and Facebook again as if anything had changed and every time a nurse would come out I would throw my phone in my purse because I just knew it was my turn but every time someone else's name was called and out came my phone. Finally, around 2:35 I thought I heard my name called so before standing up I looked around to make sure no one else had stood up to go back. When I realized that yes, my name really was called I threw my phone in my purse and went back. Once back there, the NP came back, examined me and stated that it was ok to move forward with chemo on Friday. Then, the topic of discussion became my hair. First, the fact that I had chopped it off, then the fact that it was highlighted purple :) I explained that it has faded considerably because Ryan had claimed it was very Katy Perryish when I had it done but they liked it and thought it was fun! I told them that I had recently gone to Macys and when paying for something a girl complimented my hair and then asked if I did it for fun. I wasn't really sure how to answer that question other than "yeah, I did do it for fun" but really, what kind of question is that? What if my hair was always purple? I mean, I like it and would do it again. Anyway, after getting the go ahead, another nurse came in to draw my blood. It seems like now that I only have one arm to work with my veins don't want to cooperate. She did however get it on the first try but the flow began to slow down quite a bit which is never good. I just knew it was going to hemolyze (when blood cells rupture and are no longer functional meaning they can't spin them down to run the tests). After this I was on my way. I had one stop to make before going to Target then head home and while there I received a phone call from the Cancer Center. Well, it was a nurse calling to tell me that my blood had hemolyzed (what do ya know) and I had to come back for it to be drawn again. So, within 45 minutes I was back at the Cancer Center getting my blood drawn, again! This time I was stuck twice. The first time she missed and dug around for awhile until I finally told her that she wasn't going to get it and she should probably try another vein. That is exactly what she did and of course she got it. Thank goodness because after being stuck 3 times and having band-aids all over my arm I was done. I am hoping that as planned the port will be placed sometime between my first and second chemo treatment because the IV needle and catheter is a little larger and of course fluid will be infusing and I really don't want it to infiltrate and have to be stuck multiple times. Not to mention, that chemo can cause tissue damage and with only have one arm to work with in the future, I just don't want to have any issues. Ok so, like I said, it's a go and my first chemo treatment will be Friday and it will last approximately 5 hours so it will be a long day! I'm ready though :) 

Not in the plan...

Monday I saw Dr. Stalnecker and FINALLY I got my last drain taken out!! I had those awful drains hanging from me for a month! I had almost forgotten what life was like without them. I constantly had to work around them whether I was trying to get dressed, take a shower or sleep always hoping that I didn't catch them on anything (which I did a few times and it was excruciating). I also almost forgot what it was like to wear my own clothes! I was always wearing Ryan's zip up hoodies because they were big enough to hide the drains and easier for me to put on. So, when he finally took it out I was ecstatic!! It has been so nice being able to move around, take a shower especially and get dressed without any tubes hanging from me :) We also talked about the fact that yes, one of my expanders has been removed which I hate and never thought I would have to deal with but it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it, it is much better out than in with an infection that made me miserable. Since it is gone though, I have the option of having a prosthetic until I can have surgery again. Now about that, surgery. We were thinking that I would have a new expander put in after chemo was complete which would begin the reconstruction process again which also means I would be looking at 2 more surgeries in the Spring but this was pending that I don't have to have radiation because radiation changes EVERYTHING! As everyone knows I was praying for NO radiation mainly in vein because of the cosmetic side of everything, however, God has another plan for me. After my chemo teach session where a nurse told me what to expect as far as my chemo sessions and everything in between, Ryan and I met with Sharlee and the Radiation Oncologist Dr. Wei. I was totally optimistic going into this consultation telling Ryan that I only had one met so I didn't think there was any way I would need radiation. Ryan on the other had said that he felt a little different. He said he didn't know why but he thought that radiation was going to happen. So, as I said, we met with Dr. Wei. When he came in we began at the beginning talking about everything that had happened leading up to this point. It's hard to believe that so much has happened in 2 months. The hardest thing for me has been the change in the way I look and feel in this short period of time and the big change in the way I will look the closer I get to my first chemo treatment. However, I know that these things are temporary. Not temporary enough but then again, if I look different for a year or possibly a little longer, that is a short time compared to the rest of my life which I know will be a LONG life! It is just something I have to keep reminding myself. Someone I know had sent me an email at the beginning of all of this and told me that when her husband was diagnosed with cancer (he is now a SURVIVOR!!) someone sent her this verse in an email "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." Like her, I have found that this verse really helps me get through some days. So anyway, when talking to Dr. Wei, he began to explain to me what radiation is and how they go about giving the treatments. I was a little confused because I thought, "why is he telling me this when I'm not going to need radiation?" Well, he was telling me all of this because I DO need radiation. WHAT? Radiation? This was not in the plan. I mean, NONE of this was in the plan because I of course never planned on having cancer at the age of 30 or EVER for that matter. As we know though, that is not the case so I will continue to fight and be positive through this time in my life and look forward to being a SURVIVOR myself at the end of all of this! Ok, so radiation. Radiation will begin about 4-5 weeks after chemo is complete. It will be Monday through Friday for 6 weeks and I will be at the Cancer Center for about 30 minutes each time for about 1-2 minutes of radiation. I know that 1-2 minutes doesn't seem long but apparently it's long enough to do the job. Long enough to cause the side effects of discolored skin and also long enough to make the skin hard enough to make it difficult for that reconstructive surgery I will still need. I need radiation because studies have shown radiation to be effective in preventing cancer from returning when there have been positive lymph nodes. Well, I had one positive lymph node with extracapsular extension meaning that it had gone a little bit outside of the lymph node. It was my understanding that they thought they got all of the cancer during surgery so I asked, "isn't that why I am doing chemo, to get rid of other cancer cells that may be floating around? It was only a micro met with a little caner outside, why would I be a candidate for radiation?" Dr. Wei said that radiation has shown to be beneficial when there are as few as 1-3 positive lymph nodes. So, with that news, I have no idea where I stand as far as reconstruction. We will have to wait and see what Dr. Stalnecker has to say on the 16th as far as my options and how long after radiation I have to wait. Oh, and as far as chemo is concerned, my 1st chemo treatment has been moved to Friday the 13th because of my infection. I will not receive my port until between my 1st and 2nd treatments because Dr. Nate wants to be sure the infection is completely gone. Lastly, as I mentioned before, I prayed for NO radiation mainly because of the cosmetic side of things but I also am willing to do whatever I can to prevent this cancer from returning so if I must do it as it helps in my chance for survival I will do it!