Real...

Well, I dropped off my consent for surgery today and now it all seems real! AHHH!! Don't get me wrong, I am ready for this because I want to get this process started so that I can move on and I have every confidence in the world in my dr's because they truly are some of THE BEST but I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous!!! I mean, this isn't any small surgery, it's a big deal and I've only had one other surgery and that was like 13 years ago and I was only under anesthesia for maybe 4 hours, this time I'll be under for about 6.5-7.5 hrs. However, if I want to get this surgery done, I have to get over this bronchitis...UGH!! If it's not one thing it's another. It figures that my surgery would get moved up and I would get sick. I started getting sick last Friday so I was unable to do the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk but I started treating it OTC. Then yesterday morning I woke up coughing up all kinds of junk and feeling like crap. I talked to the nurse at Dr. Nate's office and she said I HAD to get an antibiotic to kick this before Monday because if the Anesthesiologist hears anything in my lungs they won't do the surgery. So, I went to the dr yesterday and told her I need to do whatever we need to do to kick this FAST!!! She gave me a shot of Rocephin and a script for 875mg of Augmenton to be taken 2x/day. She says I should be just fine come Sunday so we will cross our fingers!! Still not feeling great today and been coughing junk up since 2am but better than yesterday :) Slowly but surely I'm getting there. So, anyway, about this being real...I thought I had like 22 days to think about this surgery, now I only have 4, yeah, that's right 4!!! It's ok though because like I said, I'm ready, BRING.IT.ON!!! Say some prayers and send some good vibes Monday people because I will take all I can get ;)

Crazy how things happen...

So today was the long awaited Plastic Surgery appt! We went in not really knowing what to expect other than the regular routine of undressing from the waist up and putting on that fashionable gown, open in the front of course. As we waited we tried to remember our list of questions that we left at home. Before we could even remember the 1st thing, Dr. Stalnecker walked in. Now, I had been told that he is not a man of many words but he is the best so to have questions ready, however, that was not the case, he was extremely thorough in explaining everything and answered every question I could think of. I also got some measurements and found out that I do not have enough belly fat to fill in my breasts even though I feel like there is plenty there!! He explained that the 1st part of the surgery will be the mastectomy, obviously and that Dr. Nate will remove 99% of the breast tissue and probably some lymph nodes. This will take about 3 hours. He will then go in and begin the reconstruction putting in the implant called an expander that will be filled with saline and salt water. This could potentially be my permanent implant, after all of the injections I get to fill it up weekly or in about 6 months I will have surgery again and will get a gel implant. His part of the surgery will take about 3.5-4.5 hours. So, it will be a long day of surgery for me. Well, I guess short for me since I will be sleeping the whole time but LOOOONG for everyone else that is there waiting! After surgery there will be a 23 hour observation period where I will be in the hospital. When I go home, I will have 4 drains that Ryan will have the pleasure of emptying every few hours. I was originally told that recovery will be about 3 weeks but today I was told it is more like 4-6 weeks. Also within this recovery period, 2 drains should be taken out after the 1st week and the last 2 should be taken out after the 2nd week. He also told me that this procedure is more painful than your typical augmentation so be prepared!! The GOOD NEWS...while in Dr. Stalnecker's office he mentioned that we had surgery scheduled for Nov 21 but he had a cancellation and if Dr. Nate could do surgery the same day we could possibly move my surgery up but he didn't say when the cancellation was. When leaving, the nurse at the front desk said that my surgery could potentially be Monday, as in next Monday, November 4th!! Yep, that's right, 1 week from today!!! We couldn't be sure yet though because we had to check with Dr. Nate and make sure there was still a surgery room open. So out we went to see Dr. Nate. After a recap of everything that has happened and a short exam with ultrasound we were walking out and the surgery scheduler stopped us and said, "Hey, by the way, surgery is MONDAY NOVEMBER 4th if that's ok!!!" OK? That's more than ok!! I'M READY!!! So, we went over all of my pre-op instructions and we were out of there. I can't believe it! My life changed when I got this diagnosis but it will change again when I have this surgery. After surgery, the decision about chemo will be made and then that will begin 3-4 weeks after surgery!! So, the long awaited day is here is a week!!! WOW!!! Crazy how things happen!! The BIG MAN upstairs was definitely watching over me :) Oh and by the way, this will also be the best week at work before surgery. We are having Spirit Week for our kiddos and they are doing it in support of me as well!! I cannot believe how supportive my new job is being, it just blows my mind, I couldn't ask for anything better!! 

AMAZING people...

So I know that I am a little behind on my updates but I just have to say how AMAZING NextGear Capital is!!! On Friday, Oct 18, they held a benefit which consisted of an AWESOME bake sale with some really good food and I have to say, I have never seen a company come together like them to support one of their own!! I mean, most of them don't know me from Adam but some of them do know Ryan and I am just so amazed and feel so blessed that we have the type of support that we do. I have really felt the support from so many people I am just overwhelmed and in awe, I just really don't know how to put it into words :) Outside of NextGear I have other AMAZING friends (Shannon and Gracie) that support me and are constantly trying to find events that support breast cancer or the American Cancer Society and they always participate with me! It means so much to me to have their support!!! Not to mention they made some pretty awesome shirts that we will wear in a walk this Saturday which I will post then with a picture and I know that you will all be jealous LOL!!!

My new job has also been super supportive which was something I was so scared of before starting. I had no idea what their reaction would be when I told them that after I start I'm going to be off for at least 3 weeks for surgery because of my diagnosis. They totally understand and give me the time I need for all of my appointments and gave me this book called " "Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy." I just couldn't believe that on my 2nd day on the job they gave me this book with a great card that said "Everything happens for a reason. Usually it's because life sucks!" This is so true but then on the inside it says "BE STRONG" which is exactly what I intend to do :)

Also, for those of you that don't have Facebook, you didn't see my beautiful picture of my pink roses I came home to last week! I know, Ryan is very sweet but they weren't from Ryan, they were from my FABULOUS childhood BFFs from KY (Megan, Alicia and Laura). When I came home, I saw these pink roses already in a vase on the kitchen table with a note from my friends. It took me a minute to process this because I knew that Ryan left shortly after me at 8:30 that morning and I knew that neither of us had been home to get them so I was a little worried as to how they got in my house. I called Ryan and he said that they were delivered right after I left. They are so beautiful and it really made my day!! Even though they are 200 miles away, they have been so supportive!! From their blog they posted to the flowers they have sent and text messages that just tell me they are thinking of me makes me realize that I truly have some of the best friends in the world!! 

There is a quote that says, "We decide the first day of our cancer diagnosis whether we are going to be victims or survivors. We decide to muster up all our strength to fight to win. We decide to stay positive and not let cancer define us. We decide how we are going to handle each day. Yes, there are good days and bad days, but our attitudes determine each day. Hold on to your hopes, dreams, faith and determination, and gather strength from your support systems, because in the fight against cancer, we cannot give up." VERY WELL SAID!!! 

New job...

Well, today I went back to a place I feel I should be, working with kiddos with autism again!! I have to say that the day went really well and it felt so good to get back into it. These kiddos are so special and ABA therapy is so rewarding. It is nice to leave everyday feeling like I made a difference in a child's life. It was also really nice to have something to keep my mind occupied. While there I did receive a call from my nurse letting me know that I am BRCA negative which is great!!! Just to give you a little background as to what BRCA is, BRACAnalysis is a test for Hereditary Breast and Ovarian Cancer. It's that test that all the celebrities were doing like Angelina Jolie. This test has helped thousands of women get information that has enabled them take steps to reduce their risk of breast and ovarian cancer. A positive test result tells you that you have an increased risk of breast and ovarian cancer but with my test being negative, my risk of developing breast cancer again or developing ovarian cancer is significantly lower than someone that is BRCA positive. If breast or ovarian cancer runs in your family, I suggest having the test done. I know what you are thinking, this test is expensive, it probably isn't covered by insurance and seriously, get my blood drawn and then if I come back positive I'm going to have to be like Angelina Jolie and have a mastectomy. Well most health insurance plans pay for BRACAnalysis. More than 90% of tests receive coverage, and the average reimbursement is more than 90%. Also, BRACAnalysis does not tell you if you currently have cancer. Your test results tell you about your inherited risk of breast and ovarian cancer and it does not tell you whether you will develop cancer. I know this is a lot of info and I do not mean to scare anyone, I just want to give you something to think about :) Anyway, enough about numbers and tests! Crossing my fingers that we will find out something about a closer surgery date too!! Lastly, Ryan came home today, asked me how my day was and handed me a little yellow envelope with my name on it. He swore that he had no idea what it was so I opened it and his entire team at work had all pitched in and got me a spa day!! I cannot say how excited I am!! It is like they were reading my mind because 1. I have never had a spa day and 2. I just told Ryan the other day that it was something I REALLY wanted to do before surgery!! I just can't tell them how thankful I am and how grateful I am that Ryan's company (NextGear Capital) and his team has been so incredibly supportive from the beginning!! We are truly blessed!! 

Surgery...

This is what we've been waiting for, a surgery date, well, it's only a penciled in tentative surgery date. November 21st, yep that's right 5 1/2 weeks from now. Wow that seems like a long time from now! Actually, as I mentioned, this is tentative. I mean, this is the date but we are hoping to move it up to be much sooner. Sharlee, bless her heart, has been working on my surgery date all week. Of course, Dr. Nate can do it as soon as we have a Plastic Surgeon but it's the Plastic Surgeon that we are waiting on. I had no idea that there are not many Plastic Surgeons that do reconstruction. I thought it was something that all Plastic Surgeons did. WRONG! So, Sharlee has calls out to 3 other Plastic Surgeons to see if they can do it sooner. Now, we obviously don't want just any Plastic Surgeon because I never planned on having a boob job but now that I don't have a choice, I want them to look good!! Anyway, I have been anticipating this appointment since the beginning. All we have been waiting for is a date when everything is supposed to get started. We now have a date. However, when I went to see Dr. Bhatia yesterday and Sharlee told us we had a date, my heart skipped a beat because this is what we have been waiting for. When November 21st came out I think my eyes got big because Dr. Bhatia chimed in real quick and said "this is tentative, I have told Sharlee to threaten these surgeons because I want this moved up." Ryan of course asked what I was thinking, is it ok to wait that much longer and let this thing keep growing? Dr. Bhatia's answer was, yes. He explained that he feels mostly comfortable waiting because he doesn't feel in any way my health or of course my chance for survival will be compromised. Ryan also asked if we should go ahead and do chemo prior to surgery since we have to wait. He said he really didn't think it was necessary to start it but he wanted to consult 2 other physicians regarding this, one being from IU Medical and the other being from MD Anderson. Not that he isn't sure of himself, he just said that he would like to consult these other physicians because I am so young and we have to wait so much longer than we expected. He said that if they tell him something different than what he told us, he would let us know. Also, Sharlee asked if I was willing to take the first date a Plastic Surgeon can give us and of course my answer was yes. She assured me that she has seen these other surgeons work and she would not have me see someone that would not do a nice job. I have to say that I never thought I would be sitting in a Dr.s office talking about boobs!! There were 2 other questions hanging in the balance. The first being, I know that there is a 30% chance that I won't have to do chemo, and we know that the 70% chance of having chemo are much higher but I was curious how this normally plays out. Sharlee said that she understands that I have this small "chance" but she also said that she knows Dr. Bhatia and she can almost guarantee I will have to have chemo. This is fine though because I already had it in my mind that I was going to have to from the beginning. Also, since more than likely I will be having chemo, can I harvest my eggs? I know that we can't even think about having kids for 5 years after treatment is completed but I want to have the option if we choose. She said that this is something we can do all the way up until surgery so she is going to set us up with a Fertility Specialist. With all of this being said, I am happy to see that we have answers and a plan, well, mostly a plan. It's nice to see that there will soon be a beginning to this which is one step closer to the end of all of this!! So ready to get this started so I can kick it's butt!! Always remember ladies to CHECK YOUR BUMPS FOR LUMPS!!

Blessed...

When one of my best friends, Megan Smyth Horne originally asked me if she could write about my diagnosis and journey for her blog since it is Breast Cancer Awareness month, I was a little hesitant because only family and close friends were aware of what has been going on since my recent diagnosis. Then, once I thought about it, I thought that maybe it would raise more awareness to women our age and remind them to CHECK THOSE TA-TAS!!! For those of you that are not on Facebook but are following this blog, I just want to say that the outpouring of support is absolutely AMAZING and I can't thank everyone enough for your prayers and kind words! I am truly blessed and grateful to have such wonderful friends and family to help me fight this fight and remind me that I am not alone:) As I said before, I WILL get through this and I WILL beat this especially with so many people in my corner!! Everyone just continue to pray because as we know, this is in God's hands. Also, I wanted to attach the link to Megan's post so that you too may read the beautiful words she wrote. http://thebluegrasstrifecta.blogspot.com/2013/10/true-north.html

 

MY PLAN!!!

My plan exactly, to KICK CANCER'S BUTT!!!!

My choice is, this will strengthen me. The other two are not an option!!!

Inspiration...

One of my best friends posted this on her Facebook page this morning and I love it and she's right, this is right, we all have to trust that "it's in God's hands!" This also prompted me to talk about my inspiration from God. When things happen to us that we don't understand, instead of asking "why", we need to look at how we are going to deal with it and draw inspiration from somewhere to help us get through it. Last night I spoke to my Mammaw Mom whom I mentioned before is such a big influence in my life. One thing she told me that has stood out in my mind is that she wouldn't get out of bed in the morning if she didn't have God. I love how she constantly puts all trust in Him. She says that she doesn't know how he has time for anyone else because she keeps him so busy always asking him questions only to receive answers in return. Some of these things are the smallest things like for instance, last week she was in her pantry looking at her canned goods and noticed some of them had expired and she was going to throw them away but she thought that they still looked good so thinking to herself she thought "do I really need to throw something away that still looks good?" Later that day there was an article in the paper where someone had written in and asked the same question and the response was "no, you do not need to throw expired cans away if they still look good." Some of you may say "that was a coincidence" and that is fine but she would simply say, "Thank you Lord!" While speaking with her, as always she quoted scripture and I would like to share some of the verses she shared with me.

"I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge." Psalm 18:1-2

"For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." Psalm 91:11

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Also, last year she gave me a daily devotional called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It is a devotion for every day of the year. It first starts with a short devotion and ends with a few verses that apply to the devotion. I will be honest and say it has been awhile since I have picked the book up. However, when I decided to open it up to today's devotion, October 7, it began "In order to hear my voice, you must release all your worries into My care. Entrust to Me everything that concerns you." It ended by saying, "Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in my sovereignty." In closing the devotion, it listed a few verses but the one that stood out to me was 1 Thessalonians 5:18 which says, "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

With that being said, I, like you have no idea why this has happened to me and I don't ask that question, I just have to have FAITH in God that everything will be okay and I TRUST and KNOW that everything WILL be okay. As I said before, this is a bump in the road and I will get over that bump and move on down the road. 

The Pink Ribbon Connection

About 1 week ago Sharlee called me and asked if I would like to go to a luncheon and fashion show downtown Indy that supports women in their fight with breast cancer. Before I answered her, I thought to myself, do I really want to do something like this, is it too soon because I really don't feel like someone with cancer? Having worked in the medical field I understand a lot about what is going on with me but honestly I thought, I have cancer, shouldn't I feel sick, shouldn't I be tired? I really have just not had that much experience with Oncology. So, I let her continue to explain to me that there would be another women there that is very close in age. She is 31 and I am soon to be 31. She said that she is completing her treatment and has already had surgery and she is a Crime Scene Investigator which is totally a great reason to go because CSI is super interesting. Anyway, I thought a moment and "YES" came out before I had comprehended what I had just agreed to. So, today I got ready and wore my favorite PINK sweater. I went downtown and when I arrived I was completely overwhelmed because there were SO MANY people. I just stood there for a moment getting my bearings and realized that a mimosa would probably calm my nerves a little bit. I got my name tag and it immediately identified me as a SURVIVOR which I loved because that is so encouraging. I found Sharlee and I met two other women, one of them being the Crime Scene Investigator. I told her that I bet she gets this a lot but is her job just as glamorous as they make it seem on TV and her answer was NO but even with my disappointment in finding this out I was still so happy to meet her. She asked when I was diagnosed and I told her a week and a half ago. The first thing she said, with a smile on her face is that I am in for a wild ride! We finally went in to find our table and the room was VERY pink. The tables were beautiful and the food looked AMAZING and we were right next to the runway! We also each had a pink balloon tied to our chairs. After the introduction they asked all survivors to stand up. I hesitated a bit because this would be the first time I was actually identified in public as having cancer. I stood up with all of the other beautiful women, each in different stages of the fight and held my head high because I know I WILL be a true SURVIVOR!!! Afterwards they asked everyone else in the room to stand and we released our pink balloons to the ceiling. It felt so good to let it go. I'm not sure what it was but with everyone doing this together it just felt right. We then sat down to a 3 course meal that was absolutely fabulous and watched a great fashion show. After it was over, I would say that I had an incredible time and I am SO GLAD I decided to go!! Seeing other women going through what I am about to go through and hearing other women's experience with cancer made me feel more at ease. Before we left, one of the women at my table asked me if after this experience was I scared of what I am faced with and I honestly said, "No, not anymore but I am still NERVOUS!!"

The plan, so far...

I had been anticipating October 4 since the appointment to see the Medical Oncologist had been set. Honestly, it has been all I could think about because I wasn't sure what to expect, I didn't know what Dr. Bhatia was going to say and I had no idea what the plan would be. There were just so many questions and so many options at the time. Questions being, chemo 1st or surgery 1st, chemo before surgery or chemo after surgery, what kind of chemo, when do I have to get my port put in for chemo, lumpectomy and radiation as well or mastectomy? Of course, we know I had already chosen to have a bilateral mastectomy anyway. So, when we walked into the Cancer Center, a place I never expected to be walking through those doors especially for myself, I was anxious and really a little overwhelmed. I checked in and we sat to wait which seemed like the longest waiting period of my life. To the left was Radiation Oncology and to the right Medical Oncology. While sitting there I saw women walking out of each side having had their treatment, some alone and some with friends or family and I also saw a women with her husband and 2 grown children walk out after she had her 1st treatment. I knew that would soon be me but only with Ryan of course because I'm pretty sure they won't allow Rocky and Mocha to go back with me. I will admit that it was overwhelming to see women walk out without hair. Not that I have never seen a women going through chemo with no hair before but because I knew that would also be me. It is one thing to talk about what is going to happen but it is another to see someone actually go through it and to realize that I am one step closer to that part of the process. Finally, after waiting for what seemed a lifetime I heard my name. Ryan grabbed my hand and we walked through those double doors to Medical Oncology. Oncology, really, I never thought I would have an Oncologist but then again, who does? They took us back to a room where the LPN took my vitals and of course my blood pressure was slightly elevated but that was to be expected, but overall everything looked good. She left and said that Dr. Bhatia would be in shortly, so there we were, waiting again. I feel like all we do is hurry up and wait. Finally, the door opened and in came Dr. Bhatia, his NP and my Nurse, Sharlee. Dr. Bhatia looked at me and said, "First I need to examine the scene of the crime." I have to say that I appreciate different Dr.s trying to make a little light of the situation. He gave me that lovely half gown which I have come to know so well and stepped out. I knew the drill, nothing from the waist up and leave it open in the front. He came back, did a quick exam and before I knew it I was back in my own clothes and we were all sitting in the tiny exam room to discuss "the plan", so far. He first began telling us the history of breast cancer as well as the history of treatment of breast cancer. I'm not sure if this is something that all Oncologists do but I appreciated it because it was nice to hear why they do what they do and how they make the decisions that they do regarding diagnosis and treatment. He then applied a lot of it to me. First he asked me what my #1 goal is and of course my answer was SURVIVAL!! He then asked how I felt about having children. I told him that of course I would like to have my own if at all possible but as I had mentioned before survival was most important to me. He then began to explain that there was no way to conserve my right breast (where the cancer is), therefore lumpectomy was not an option, the largest tumor is too big. I told him that I understood and I had already opted to have the bilateral mastectomy so it was nice to see that we were already on the same page as far as surgery was concerned. With that being said, he wants surgery completed ASAP and by that I mean, he would have been happy for it to have been done yesterday. Next, we talked about chemo, to have it, not to have it, before surgery or after surgery. He asked me my thoughts on chemo and I told him I would do whatever I have to do to get rid of this. He said that he didn't feel it necessary to do chemo before surgery because first he didn't want to mess with my fertility if we didn't have to, second because he wants the surgery done ASAP. He said that after surgery they will run what they call an onc-21 test and based on those numbers we will make a decision about chemo. He said that there is a 30% chance that I may not need chemo at all which is GREAT because most people with cancer don't have that option, they have no choice but to do it. The deciding factor will be the numbers. It's always numbers. If the numbers are high I will have to have 12-24 weeks of chemo but if they are low enough I will not have chemo at all!! I am happy to hear that I "may not" have to have chemo but I explained to Ryan that the chance I will is 70% and if I get myself thinking about not having chemo I will be devastated when I do so right now I'm just praying and crossing my fingers!! The other issue with surgery is since Dr. Bhatia is wanting it so soon, there is a chance I will not be able to see the Plastic Surgeon before then therefore I would have the mastectomy and then a few weeks later have the reconstruction. That is not my favorite option but my nurse Sharlee said that she will be at the Plastic Surgeon's office 1st thing Monday morning begging him to see me before October 28 so that I don't have to wait. So, next week I should know more as far as surgery. Now, we WAIT!! There's that word again, WAIT...it's ok though because I know there will be an end to all of this I just need to be patient, which is not my best quality!

What I will live by through this journey

My Mammaw Mom has always been a HUGE influence in my life and she used to constantly recite bible verses to me but the one she would recite the most is Phillipians 4:13. This was also the verse my mother-in-law, Marsha lived by through her battle with cancer.

 The other verse that I will live by is 

Lastly, I've got to add some DMB because if I've learned anything in the past two weeks, it's that "life is short but sweet".

The day my life changed...

Okay ladies, the first thing I want to say is PLEASE CHECK THOSE TA-TAS!!! I know it always seems a little weird and no one really feels comfortable doing it but DO IT, it only takes a couple minutes. With that being said, I must confess that I'm not good at doing it either even though my OB/GYN stresses it and I definitely wasn't doing it the day I found "it" and by "it" I mean the dreaded lump. I happened upon it by accident while taking a shower. At first I thought I was going crazy and making it up in my head, making it out to be something it wasn't because I knew there was NO WAY I had a lump. I mean, I was just at the OB/GYN in June and they didn't find anything, everything was normal and of course there was no way it could grow that fast. Instead of blowing it off though, I asked Ryan to confirm my suspicions and tell me that I wasn't crazy however, I was secretly hoping that I was making something out of nothing. He of course confirmed that there was something there and told me to call the Dr. on Monday. 

Monday...
On my way to work, all I did was debate on whether or not I was going to call the Dr. I was so close to not calling, 1. because I was scared and 2. because I thought it really probably wasn't anything. I pulled in the parking lot and held my phone with the number dialed but had not hit send yet. I almost hit END and went into work but knew if I didn't call Ryan would be upset and would probably call himself so I did it, I hit SEND. It rang a few times and then finally the secretary picked up and at first I wasn't sure what I was going to say. Would I ramble on and say, "Hey I think I found a lump, it probably isn't anything but my husband wanted me to call"? No, all I said was, "I found a lump in my breast." The secretary immediately put me on hold so she could speak with the Dr. When she came back she asked the typical questions "is it hard, can you move it, and does it hurt to touch?" My answers were "yes, no and no". So, I knew that the answers to the first 2 questions weren't good but the fact that it didn't hurt was a good sign. The secretary told me I needed to have a mammogram immediately and that they had already sent in the orders to have it done on Tuesday. It's like Ryan knew something was up because he called me as soon as I got off of the phone and said "did you call the Dr." I was glad I could tell him yes I had called the Dr. and that I was having a mammogram the next day. 

Tuesday...
My mammogram was scheduled for 10:00 am so when I got home from work at 7:00 am I just went ahead and got ready for my appointment. As I was getting out of the shower Ryan asked me, how long I thought my appointment would be and I told him it should be about 30 min. max. He then told me that he had already called his boss and told him he would be late because he was going with me to my appointment. I told him he really didn't have to go, that I would be fine but he insisted. So off we went. It is a little intimidating walking into the imaging office because all I could think was, "I'm not like any of these women, they are older so they are probably having their regular mammograms and I'm here just as a precaution because there is definitely NOTHING wrong with me." I checked in, they handed me my pager and I waited. Finally, my pager went off and I was taken back to a small room while Ryan waited in the waiting room. I was told to take everything off from the waist up and to put on this miniature gown/shirt thing and was told to obviously leave it open in the front. The tech came and got me and I went in for the mammogram. For those of you that have never had a mammogram, it is definitely an experience. I must say, there is nothing like having your boob mashed between 2 pieces of plastic, it is not comfortable and the stances you have to take to have it done are a little awkward especially when someone else is constantly tugging and pulling on you in completely unnatural ways. In about 10 min I was done and the tech told me to go back to my waiting room because she wanted to show them to the Radiologist which is standard so I wasn't worried. A few min later, she came and got me and told me we needed more pictures which I thought was weird but then assumed the first ones must not have gotten everything or just weren't good pictures. After about 5 min I was waiting again. She came and got me a 3rd time and said we needed a few more, ones that were more magnified. Again, we were done in about 5 min and then I was to wait some more. A few min went by and I knew I had been back there about an hour but I figured Ryan was doing work and probably hadn't even noticed the time. The tech came in and said, "the Radiologist would like for you to have an ultrasound." I was fine with that because I knew that this was typically standard procedure if there was something a little abnormal. Abnormal could be a number of things, a cyst, a fibroadenoma or of course a tumor. I still wasn't concerned, even though it was a little odd to have multiple sets of mammogram pictures but maybe the tech just wasn't getting what the Radiologist wanted or maybe they were just overly cautious. Whatever because there was nothing wrong with me, I was going to be fine. I was in the ultrasound room with the tech doing my ultrasound for about 30 min when she told me, the Radiologist is going to come in and do another ultrasound. At this time, I wondered "is this normal? Does the Radiologist always do a 2nd ultrasound?" I asked her if she would go into the waiting room and get Ryan because I had been back there about an hour and a half and I had told Ryan it would be 30 min max. Ryan came back looking a little confused but when he saw me on the table he just came over, held my hand and told me everything would be ok because I think he saw a little worry in my eyes. The Radiologist came in and she was so kind and very comforting. She proceeded with the 2nd ultrasound and I could hear here clicking the computer which is what they do when they are measuring. I kind of peeked up and saw 2 cm so I knew something was there but I didn't know what but 2 cm seemed pretty small so it was probably just a fibroadenoma. After she completed that ultrasound she said that she would really like to speak about what she found with myself and Ryan and tell us what she thinks I should do about it. She continued explaining that she found 3 abnormal areas that she feels needed to be biopsied right away and could do it that day if I wanted. So of course I complied and said "let's do it because I don't want to come back." Ryan went back into the waiting room and we went ahead with the first 2 biopsies. I must say, it was a little painful. After the first 2 were done she said I needed a 3rd one but this one would be a little different. I had to lay face down on a table with my "abnormal" breast through a hole. I thought "hmmm, that's a little weird, and awkward but ok I'll do whatever she wanted me to do." By this time I was completely comfortable with opening my fabulous half gown because 4 people had already experienced my ta-tas. So, face down and in the hole I went. Thank goodness they talk to you throughout the entire procedure, it definitely made me feel more at ease. After the biopsies were done, I had to do another set of mammograms so that they could make sure they biopsied and tagged everywhere they needed to tag then the Radiologist said that she was going to rush the results and they should be back in 12 hours. So, after my 30 min max appointment turned into a 4 hour appointment, Ryan took me to have some buffalo mac n' cheese and a beer. Now, that isn't what the Dr. ordered but it is what I ordered :)

Wednesday...
It was about 9:30 am and my phone rang. I recognized the number was coming from the hospital. My heart started beating faster and my breathing increased but as I answered the phone I tried to sound as normal as possible because I figured that I was getting all worked up for nothing. The Radiologists soothing voice was on the other end. She first started with asking how I was feeling and making sure I wasn't too sore. Of course I told her I was black and blue but I was doing ok however, I was a little anxious. She explained that was normal and she would like to share my results. She first told me that the first spot biopsied was the one furthest to the back and it was just a fibroadenoma which is completely normal. She then took a breath and went on to say that the other 2 spots came back as...cancer. I remember thinking "what, this can't be, I'm only 30 years old, I can't have cancer, this isn't supposed to happen to me, could this really be happening." She gave me a minute to process then asked if I was ok and if I had any questions. All I could say is "what happens next?" She said that she was going to refer me to a Surgical Oncologist that she thought I would really like and his office would be calling me to schedule an appointment. What, an Oncologist? I'm not supposed to have an Oncologist. I kept myself together and told her I would be available the rest of the day and will wait for the call. When I hung up all I could think is, "how am I going to tell Ryan the results?" I waited a moment, then called him. When he answered I didn't know how to tell him other than "I have bad news." He knew. I was close to his office so he said for me to come meet him. When I saw him, I couldn't even say it. I didn't know how to say "I have cancer" especially since we just went through this a year ago with his mother and it was so devastating. I couldn't imagine putting him through it again. He took off the rest of the day to be with me. I then received the call from the Surgical Oncologists office and they said I could come in at 4:00 pm that same day. I took a nap on the couch because I was already physically and emotionally exhausted. About 3:30 we left and headed to my appointment, barely speaking but Ryan telling me that everything would be ok, we would be ok, I would be ok. At exactly 4:00 I went back to meet the Oncologist, Dr. Nate, and he did another exam. Once this was complete, we went to a conference room with Dr. Nate and an RN named Sharlee where we discussed my results and he began explaining the potential options. However, we couldn't be exactly sure what my options would be at this point because we don't have all the results back yet. He kept asking if I had any questions and all I could say is "no" nothing else would come out, I think I looked like a deer in headlights. After he was done, he left and Sharlee began to speak. She explained that she was a Nurse Navigator and she would be going through this journey with us from beginning to end. She said that she would be going to every appointment with us and would be there to answer any questions we may have along the way. Of course Ryan already had 100 questions as did I, I just couldn't ask them. I mainly sat in silence while Ryan received clarification and asked the questions he needed answers to. About 2 and a half hours after my appointment we headed home. At this time I knew I had to call my family and he had to call his and let them know what was going on. I knew no one would be prepared for this, but let's face it, I was not prepared for this. I called everyone I needed to call and of course it came as a shock to everyone and I still couldn't say "I have cancer" all I could say was "my results from my biopsies came back as cancer." Of course everyone had questions, shoot, I had questions but none of them could be answered at that time because we didn't have all of the answers yet, we still had to WAIT! 

Friday...
I had a MRI scheduled for that morning. I HATE MRIs because they make me feel so claustrophobic! However, this one was quite different. Once again I found myself face down with my ta-tas hanging through a hole, nice image right!! Trust me, it was awkward, especially since I would have to do this for 24 min. However, through the entire thing I was able to listen to a station of nothing but Dave Matthews Band which definitely made the MRI more tolerable. I figured I could get through anything with a little DMB :) Once it was over, they let me know that this wouldn't be the last MRI I have, I will have another one soon and will probably have one each year for about 3 years...GREAT! Oh well, at least DMB will get me through it.

Plans for the weekend...
Ryan and I both had been planning on attending bachelor and bachelorette parties for our friends Sean and Shannon. Ryan had already decided that we were not going but I let him know that we needed this especially after the week we had and this diagnosis was not going to get me down and stop me. So, off we went. Ryan went to St. Louis and I went to Chicago. We both had GREAT weekends and had so much fun! It was nice to go out and be out of reality for a bit. Sunday, we both returned to reality. 

Reality...
Ryan and I talked about what had happened the prior week, our weekends and then talked about how we wondered what would happen next. Ryan also asked me how I was doing and how I felt about the hand I had recently been dealt. I explained to him that I have accepted the diagnosis the best I know how and I know, without a doubt that I will get through this and I will be fine. I know it will be a long hard road but I can't change what has happened, I just have to face it and fight a fight I know I will WIN!! Through these first 2 weeks, I am amazed at the generosity and kindness of other people. I have so much support I know it will help me get through this. I am so grateful for my family and friends that are surrounding and supporting me and are helping me fight this fight!! I am also grateful for how strong Ryan is. I was so afraid of how he may take this but his strength will definitely help me through this. I also must say that Ryan's company, Nextgear Capital, is more than AMAZING!!! They are so supportive, it blows my mind. My last day at Indiana Organ Procurement Organization was Monday night, so when I got home Tuesday morning I decided to stay up because I needed to flip my schedule to be normal again. About 11:00 am the doorbell rang. I thought, that's weird, who would be here now, aren't people working. I could see this big cellophane thing through the top window of the door. When I opened the door it was McNamara Florist and they had a HUGE, beautiful flower arrangement. I had absolutely no idea where it could have come from. I looked at the card and it was from Nextgear Capital. I couldn't believe it. I called Ryan and told him and he said he knew nothing about it. When he came home that day he said that a friend of ours had mentioned what was going on to the lady that is head of the Marketing dept so Ryan went and spoke to her and to thank her for the gift. She stated that she had found out what was going on and she sent the arrangement on behalf of the company and told Ryan that even though she doesn't know me that he is family therefore I am family. I can't believe the outpouring of support I have received in the last couple of weeks from his company. He also came home with cookies from his boss' mother and he said people are constantly asking for updated and none of these people know me. All they have seen is my picture on Ryan's desk. I have also received many cards, messages on Facebook and text messages from people expressing their support and asking for updates. I am just so overwhelmed with the amount of support that it just makes me even more confident. I want everyone to know that I love you ALL!!!

Update...
Dr. Nate called with the MRI results as well as to fill me in on the rest of my biopsy results. First, he let me know that the rest of my biopsy results came back +, +, - which is good. The first two positives are for the Estrogen Receptor and the Progesterone Receptors which are hormones. The fact that they were positive means that the cancer is set by the female hormones so the cancer is less aggressive and slower growing...YAY!! This also means I will be able to take the hormone therapy pill, Tamoxifen after treatment which will protect my breasts and suppress the estrogen that is feeding my type of cancer which is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. The negative is for HER-2. HER-2 is a protein that feeds a tumor which would make the cancer more aggressive and can also make you have more of a chance for metastases. We don't want metastases because that means that the cancer has spread. So, YAY again, it was negative!! He also went on with my MRI results. He stated that I have 4 spots, not 2 as they originally thought. He also said that the largest tumor is significantly larger than what they originally thought. When originally speaking about my options he said that there are two surgery options, lumpectomy and mastectomy. He said that we are really on that upper cusp of even being able to have the option of a lumpectomy because really, the spots have to be close together and they can only be so big and well, mine is almost too big. I told him that was fine because I want to be as aggressive as possible and I am 100% positive that I want to do the mastectomy. He told me that he was totally in agreement and he was glad I felt that way because not only did he almost feel like that was my only option but he said it was definitely my best option. He then went on to say that I would be seeing my Medical Oncologist Dr. Bhatia on Friday, October 4. He said at that time, Dr. Bhatia would decide what would happen as far as chemo, meaning whether I need it or not and would I begin chemo before or after surgery. I didn't know that the Medical Oncologist made the final decision regarding chemo, I thought I had to have chemo. However, Dr. Nate would like me to have chemo because of my age and he would like to get it started before I see the Plastic Surgeon on October 28. I have to have a Plastic Surgeon because when I have the mastectomy, Dr. Nate will remove 95% of the breast tissue and then the Plastic Surgeon will come in during the same surgery and begin reconstruction. However, reconstruction is not completed that day, the process is just started. Dr. Nate gave more good news that the cancer has not spread to the left side and it has not spread to the lymph nodes!!! I then only had one question, what stage is the cancer? He said that they don't stage it based on how many spots you have which in my case there are 4. He said that they stage it based on the largest spot, therefore I am Stage 2. So, now we wait again, until tomorrow when I see Dr. Bhatia. Hopefully then we will have a plan of action and will know what is coming up. 

As I said before, I WILL get through this, I WILL beat this and I WILL be fine!! I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared because I have no idea what to expect but I am ready to begin this journey so I can move past it. This does not and will not define me as a person but will make me stronger as a person so with that being said BRING.IT.ON!!!

On a lighter note, I will be returning to the field of ABA (for those of you who don't know, Applied Behavior Analysis) as a Therapist to work with kiddos with Autism. I begin my new journey on October 14th!! I am very excited because in the short period of time that I have been away from it, I have realized that it is my passion and I know that it is where I am supposed to be!!