The day my life changed...

Okay ladies, the first thing I want to say is PLEASE CHECK THOSE TA-TAS!!! I know it always seems a little weird and no one really feels comfortable doing it but DO IT, it only takes a couple minutes. With that being said, I must confess that I'm not good at doing it either even though my OB/GYN stresses it and I definitely wasn't doing it the day I found "it" and by "it" I mean the dreaded lump. I happened upon it by accident while taking a shower. At first I thought I was going crazy and making it up in my head, making it out to be something it wasn't because I knew there was NO WAY I had a lump. I mean, I was just at the OB/GYN in June and they didn't find anything, everything was normal and of course there was no way it could grow that fast. Instead of blowing it off though, I asked Ryan to confirm my suspicions and tell me that I wasn't crazy however, I was secretly hoping that I was making something out of nothing. He of course confirmed that there was something there and told me to call the Dr. on Monday. 

Monday...
On my way to work, all I did was debate on whether or not I was going to call the Dr. I was so close to not calling, 1. because I was scared and 2. because I thought it really probably wasn't anything. I pulled in the parking lot and held my phone with the number dialed but had not hit send yet. I almost hit END and went into work but knew if I didn't call Ryan would be upset and would probably call himself so I did it, I hit SEND. It rang a few times and then finally the secretary picked up and at first I wasn't sure what I was going to say. Would I ramble on and say, "Hey I think I found a lump, it probably isn't anything but my husband wanted me to call"? No, all I said was, "I found a lump in my breast." The secretary immediately put me on hold so she could speak with the Dr. When she came back she asked the typical questions "is it hard, can you move it, and does it hurt to touch?" My answers were "yes, no and no". So, I knew that the answers to the first 2 questions weren't good but the fact that it didn't hurt was a good sign. The secretary told me I needed to have a mammogram immediately and that they had already sent in the orders to have it done on Tuesday. It's like Ryan knew something was up because he called me as soon as I got off of the phone and said "did you call the Dr." I was glad I could tell him yes I had called the Dr. and that I was having a mammogram the next day. 

Tuesday...
My mammogram was scheduled for 10:00 am so when I got home from work at 7:00 am I just went ahead and got ready for my appointment. As I was getting out of the shower Ryan asked me, how long I thought my appointment would be and I told him it should be about 30 min. max. He then told me that he had already called his boss and told him he would be late because he was going with me to my appointment. I told him he really didn't have to go, that I would be fine but he insisted. So off we went. It is a little intimidating walking into the imaging office because all I could think was, "I'm not like any of these women, they are older so they are probably having their regular mammograms and I'm here just as a precaution because there is definitely NOTHING wrong with me." I checked in, they handed me my pager and I waited. Finally, my pager went off and I was taken back to a small room while Ryan waited in the waiting room. I was told to take everything off from the waist up and to put on this miniature gown/shirt thing and was told to obviously leave it open in the front. The tech came and got me and I went in for the mammogram. For those of you that have never had a mammogram, it is definitely an experience. I must say, there is nothing like having your boob mashed between 2 pieces of plastic, it is not comfortable and the stances you have to take to have it done are a little awkward especially when someone else is constantly tugging and pulling on you in completely unnatural ways. In about 10 min I was done and the tech told me to go back to my waiting room because she wanted to show them to the Radiologist which is standard so I wasn't worried. A few min later, she came and got me and told me we needed more pictures which I thought was weird but then assumed the first ones must not have gotten everything or just weren't good pictures. After about 5 min I was waiting again. She came and got me a 3rd time and said we needed a few more, ones that were more magnified. Again, we were done in about 5 min and then I was to wait some more. A few min went by and I knew I had been back there about an hour but I figured Ryan was doing work and probably hadn't even noticed the time. The tech came in and said, "the Radiologist would like for you to have an ultrasound." I was fine with that because I knew that this was typically standard procedure if there was something a little abnormal. Abnormal could be a number of things, a cyst, a fibroadenoma or of course a tumor. I still wasn't concerned, even though it was a little odd to have multiple sets of mammogram pictures but maybe the tech just wasn't getting what the Radiologist wanted or maybe they were just overly cautious. Whatever because there was nothing wrong with me, I was going to be fine. I was in the ultrasound room with the tech doing my ultrasound for about 30 min when she told me, the Radiologist is going to come in and do another ultrasound. At this time, I wondered "is this normal? Does the Radiologist always do a 2nd ultrasound?" I asked her if she would go into the waiting room and get Ryan because I had been back there about an hour and a half and I had told Ryan it would be 30 min max. Ryan came back looking a little confused but when he saw me on the table he just came over, held my hand and told me everything would be ok because I think he saw a little worry in my eyes. The Radiologist came in and she was so kind and very comforting. She proceeded with the 2nd ultrasound and I could hear here clicking the computer which is what they do when they are measuring. I kind of peeked up and saw 2 cm so I knew something was there but I didn't know what but 2 cm seemed pretty small so it was probably just a fibroadenoma. After she completed that ultrasound she said that she would really like to speak about what she found with myself and Ryan and tell us what she thinks I should do about it. She continued explaining that she found 3 abnormal areas that she feels needed to be biopsied right away and could do it that day if I wanted. So of course I complied and said "let's do it because I don't want to come back." Ryan went back into the waiting room and we went ahead with the first 2 biopsies. I must say, it was a little painful. After the first 2 were done she said I needed a 3rd one but this one would be a little different. I had to lay face down on a table with my "abnormal" breast through a hole. I thought "hmmm, that's a little weird, and awkward but ok I'll do whatever she wanted me to do." By this time I was completely comfortable with opening my fabulous half gown because 4 people had already experienced my ta-tas. So, face down and in the hole I went. Thank goodness they talk to you throughout the entire procedure, it definitely made me feel more at ease. After the biopsies were done, I had to do another set of mammograms so that they could make sure they biopsied and tagged everywhere they needed to tag then the Radiologist said that she was going to rush the results and they should be back in 12 hours. So, after my 30 min max appointment turned into a 4 hour appointment, Ryan took me to have some buffalo mac n' cheese and a beer. Now, that isn't what the Dr. ordered but it is what I ordered :)

Wednesday...
It was about 9:30 am and my phone rang. I recognized the number was coming from the hospital. My heart started beating faster and my breathing increased but as I answered the phone I tried to sound as normal as possible because I figured that I was getting all worked up for nothing. The Radiologists soothing voice was on the other end. She first started with asking how I was feeling and making sure I wasn't too sore. Of course I told her I was black and blue but I was doing ok however, I was a little anxious. She explained that was normal and she would like to share my results. She first told me that the first spot biopsied was the one furthest to the back and it was just a fibroadenoma which is completely normal. She then took a breath and went on to say that the other 2 spots came back as...cancer. I remember thinking "what, this can't be, I'm only 30 years old, I can't have cancer, this isn't supposed to happen to me, could this really be happening." She gave me a minute to process then asked if I was ok and if I had any questions. All I could say is "what happens next?" She said that she was going to refer me to a Surgical Oncologist that she thought I would really like and his office would be calling me to schedule an appointment. What, an Oncologist? I'm not supposed to have an Oncologist. I kept myself together and told her I would be available the rest of the day and will wait for the call. When I hung up all I could think is, "how am I going to tell Ryan the results?" I waited a moment, then called him. When he answered I didn't know how to tell him other than "I have bad news." He knew. I was close to his office so he said for me to come meet him. When I saw him, I couldn't even say it. I didn't know how to say "I have cancer" especially since we just went through this a year ago with his mother and it was so devastating. I couldn't imagine putting him through it again. He took off the rest of the day to be with me. I then received the call from the Surgical Oncologists office and they said I could come in at 4:00 pm that same day. I took a nap on the couch because I was already physically and emotionally exhausted. About 3:30 we left and headed to my appointment, barely speaking but Ryan telling me that everything would be ok, we would be ok, I would be ok. At exactly 4:00 I went back to meet the Oncologist, Dr. Nate, and he did another exam. Once this was complete, we went to a conference room with Dr. Nate and an RN named Sharlee where we discussed my results and he began explaining the potential options. However, we couldn't be exactly sure what my options would be at this point because we don't have all the results back yet. He kept asking if I had any questions and all I could say is "no" nothing else would come out, I think I looked like a deer in headlights. After he was done, he left and Sharlee began to speak. She explained that she was a Nurse Navigator and she would be going through this journey with us from beginning to end. She said that she would be going to every appointment with us and would be there to answer any questions we may have along the way. Of course Ryan already had 100 questions as did I, I just couldn't ask them. I mainly sat in silence while Ryan received clarification and asked the questions he needed answers to. About 2 and a half hours after my appointment we headed home. At this time I knew I had to call my family and he had to call his and let them know what was going on. I knew no one would be prepared for this, but let's face it, I was not prepared for this. I called everyone I needed to call and of course it came as a shock to everyone and I still couldn't say "I have cancer" all I could say was "my results from my biopsies came back as cancer." Of course everyone had questions, shoot, I had questions but none of them could be answered at that time because we didn't have all of the answers yet, we still had to WAIT! 

Friday...
I had a MRI scheduled for that morning. I HATE MRIs because they make me feel so claustrophobic! However, this one was quite different. Once again I found myself face down with my ta-tas hanging through a hole, nice image right!! Trust me, it was awkward, especially since I would have to do this for 24 min. However, through the entire thing I was able to listen to a station of nothing but Dave Matthews Band which definitely made the MRI more tolerable. I figured I could get through anything with a little DMB :) Once it was over, they let me know that this wouldn't be the last MRI I have, I will have another one soon and will probably have one each year for about 3 years...GREAT! Oh well, at least DMB will get me through it.

Plans for the weekend...
Ryan and I both had been planning on attending bachelor and bachelorette parties for our friends Sean and Shannon. Ryan had already decided that we were not going but I let him know that we needed this especially after the week we had and this diagnosis was not going to get me down and stop me. So, off we went. Ryan went to St. Louis and I went to Chicago. We both had GREAT weekends and had so much fun! It was nice to go out and be out of reality for a bit. Sunday, we both returned to reality. 

Reality...
Ryan and I talked about what had happened the prior week, our weekends and then talked about how we wondered what would happen next. Ryan also asked me how I was doing and how I felt about the hand I had recently been dealt. I explained to him that I have accepted the diagnosis the best I know how and I know, without a doubt that I will get through this and I will be fine. I know it will be a long hard road but I can't change what has happened, I just have to face it and fight a fight I know I will WIN!! Through these first 2 weeks, I am amazed at the generosity and kindness of other people. I have so much support I know it will help me get through this. I am so grateful for my family and friends that are surrounding and supporting me and are helping me fight this fight!! I am also grateful for how strong Ryan is. I was so afraid of how he may take this but his strength will definitely help me through this. I also must say that Ryan's company, Nextgear Capital, is more than AMAZING!!! They are so supportive, it blows my mind. My last day at Indiana Organ Procurement Organization was Monday night, so when I got home Tuesday morning I decided to stay up because I needed to flip my schedule to be normal again. About 11:00 am the doorbell rang. I thought, that's weird, who would be here now, aren't people working. I could see this big cellophane thing through the top window of the door. When I opened the door it was McNamara Florist and they had a HUGE, beautiful flower arrangement. I had absolutely no idea where it could have come from. I looked at the card and it was from Nextgear Capital. I couldn't believe it. I called Ryan and told him and he said he knew nothing about it. When he came home that day he said that a friend of ours had mentioned what was going on to the lady that is head of the Marketing dept so Ryan went and spoke to her and to thank her for the gift. She stated that she had found out what was going on and she sent the arrangement on behalf of the company and told Ryan that even though she doesn't know me that he is family therefore I am family. I can't believe the outpouring of support I have received in the last couple of weeks from his company. He also came home with cookies from his boss' mother and he said people are constantly asking for updated and none of these people know me. All they have seen is my picture on Ryan's desk. I have also received many cards, messages on Facebook and text messages from people expressing their support and asking for updates. I am just so overwhelmed with the amount of support that it just makes me even more confident. I want everyone to know that I love you ALL!!!

Update...
Dr. Nate called with the MRI results as well as to fill me in on the rest of my biopsy results. First, he let me know that the rest of my biopsy results came back +, +, - which is good. The first two positives are for the Estrogen Receptor and the Progesterone Receptors which are hormones. The fact that they were positive means that the cancer is set by the female hormones so the cancer is less aggressive and slower growing...YAY!! This also means I will be able to take the hormone therapy pill, Tamoxifen after treatment which will protect my breasts and suppress the estrogen that is feeding my type of cancer which is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. The negative is for HER-2. HER-2 is a protein that feeds a tumor which would make the cancer more aggressive and can also make you have more of a chance for metastases. We don't want metastases because that means that the cancer has spread. So, YAY again, it was negative!! He also went on with my MRI results. He stated that I have 4 spots, not 2 as they originally thought. He also said that the largest tumor is significantly larger than what they originally thought. When originally speaking about my options he said that there are two surgery options, lumpectomy and mastectomy. He said that we are really on that upper cusp of even being able to have the option of a lumpectomy because really, the spots have to be close together and they can only be so big and well, mine is almost too big. I told him that was fine because I want to be as aggressive as possible and I am 100% positive that I want to do the mastectomy. He told me that he was totally in agreement and he was glad I felt that way because not only did he almost feel like that was my only option but he said it was definitely my best option. He then went on to say that I would be seeing my Medical Oncologist Dr. Bhatia on Friday, October 4. He said at that time, Dr. Bhatia would decide what would happen as far as chemo, meaning whether I need it or not and would I begin chemo before or after surgery. I didn't know that the Medical Oncologist made the final decision regarding chemo, I thought I had to have chemo. However, Dr. Nate would like me to have chemo because of my age and he would like to get it started before I see the Plastic Surgeon on October 28. I have to have a Plastic Surgeon because when I have the mastectomy, Dr. Nate will remove 95% of the breast tissue and then the Plastic Surgeon will come in during the same surgery and begin reconstruction. However, reconstruction is not completed that day, the process is just started. Dr. Nate gave more good news that the cancer has not spread to the left side and it has not spread to the lymph nodes!!! I then only had one question, what stage is the cancer? He said that they don't stage it based on how many spots you have which in my case there are 4. He said that they stage it based on the largest spot, therefore I am Stage 2. So, now we wait again, until tomorrow when I see Dr. Bhatia. Hopefully then we will have a plan of action and will know what is coming up. 

As I said before, I WILL get through this, I WILL beat this and I WILL be fine!! I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared because I have no idea what to expect but I am ready to begin this journey so I can move past it. This does not and will not define me as a person but will make me stronger as a person so with that being said BRING.IT.ON!!!

On a lighter note, I will be returning to the field of ABA (for those of you who don't know, Applied Behavior Analysis) as a Therapist to work with kiddos with Autism. I begin my new journey on October 14th!! I am very excited because in the short period of time that I have been away from it, I have realized that it is my passion and I know that it is where I am supposed to be!!